priorcommitment | hard to live in the city

Within the city, the park is one of Ishiah's favorite places to go. There's something about having an open space surrounded by frenzied movement that appeals to his sensibilities, enjoying the idea of having an oasis amid the chaos. It allows him to keep a closer eye on people as well, tracking those whom he can — that list, unfortunately, seems to grow fewer by the day. Something about this place keeps on stamping down on his abilities.

It's not the easiest process to bear.

Still, he sits on a bench in the middle of the park, learning to suppress his anger, which has surfaced all too often as of late. Too many variables completely out of his control. Too much that he needs to try and learn, but can't guarantee that he will.

When he glances up and catches sight of Castiel in the distance, it's calming, because at least their greeting is one thing he knows is under his control.

"Castiel," he says, lifting his chin in beckoning and gesturing to the empty space beside him on the bench.

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"We are not...we are not not communicating," he murmurs, wondering if he and Dean ought to have had some sort of official conversation. It does not seem like something either of them would be predisposed to doing.

"That demon was stronger, stronger than most I have encountered. It used Dean against me and it nearly killed me. With my own sword. It was not a proud moment."

"Not refusing communication and actively communicating are two different things," Ishiah says plainly, holding Castiel's gaze for a few seconds. "I'm glad that neither of you are opposed to talking, but it's still good to push beyond one's comfort zone and talk. Set expectations. Figure out what it is that you two are going through, even if the answer to that is 'I don't know.'"

He folds his hands together as he considers the rest of Castiel's story.

"Demons aren't naturally stronger than we are, so they work very hard to trick us. Sometimes in fighting them, you have to be able to preempt what they do. Learn to expect the unexpected, or find someone who can. Robin is that person for me."

Castiel presses his lips together, still unsure how such a conversation would even start or what he would ask of Dean. It's plain that he loves Dean and is uninterested in being with anyone else. He trusts Dean to inform him if Dean's own feelings are wildly dissimilar.

"Can I inquire as to what type of an arrangement you have with Robin? I ask because I see so many different kinds, even among people who are married. I don't know what is standard. I only know what I want."

"You shouldn't be worried about what's standard," Ishiah says gently, trying to keep his tone from being overly condescending, although there's an air of knowing that he can't entirely erase. His only interest, however, is in helping the pair avoid the many hiccups that he and Robin came across in the past.

"Robin and I are in a monogamous relationship. I... am considering asking for his hand in marriage, in fact," he explains with a slight tilt of his head. "But it took quite some time before Robin would commit, and after we had been together for a couple of years, I offered him the opportunity to seek other companions if he wanted. His kind rarely enters monogamous relationships, and I didn't want him to be unhappy. As it turns out, however, he was happier containing our relationship to the two of us."

"I have only and will only want Dean," he says with complete confidence. "I want him in whatever capacity he will allow me to have him. We have not discussed in what capacity he wants me but I do trust him. I trust him to be faithful and I can be happy whether or not he loves me in the way that I love him."

He takes a deep breath at that, willing it to be true before offering Ishiah a small smile. "Congratulations, in advance. I think very highly of Robin, as unlikely as our friendship would seem to be. It is odd to have this conversation with another angel. Discussing love and feelings."

"I was drawn to Robin since the first time we met, but it took us thousands of years before we finally decided to enter a romantic relationship," Ishiah considers thoughtfully, his gaze unfocused for a few seconds. "Of course, with both of our lifespans, we were fortunate to have that luxury. But it took some time before we were anything approaching healthy. We were allies for far longer than that."

He presses his lips together, shaking his head minutely. "Don't congratulate me before if and when he says yes. His opinion of marriage is a complicated one." Ishiah glances over at Castiel again. "This conversation would be almost impossible to have with another angel very actively on duty. That's why I usually refer to myself as a peri. Calling myself an angel, at this point, would feel inaccurate."

"Dean's own life, in the grand scheme of things, should be a blip. It should hardly even register and yet it's the most defining thing that has ever happened to me. Facing eternity without him is incredibly daunting. It's hard not to try and rush everything." he says carefully, words measured.

"I do not entirely know what I feel like. I am an angel. I still have my grace and my wings but the only thing that feels like home to me now is Dean. Where I go after all of this I do not know."

"I would actually argue that it's the most transient moments which can affect us the most. It may take a while for us to notice, but the act of having something slip through your fingers..." Ishiah's gaze skirts to the side for a moment, wide and thoughtful. "It's difficult to watch. We try to do everything possible to avoid it."

Pressing his lips together, Ishiah offers a small shrug. "I have to admit, I've never met someone in your situation before. Have you been unable to speak with Our Father?"

"Our Father has been missing for...years. Lifetimes," Castiel mutters, taking a steadying breath. "He brought me back to life several times. I thought it was proof of His love for me. But He abandoned us and...I have never even met Him. Have you met him?"

He turns wide, hopeful eyes on Ishiah.

There's something about Castiel's desperation in that moment which Ishiah knows he needs to keep carefully at a distance. Not because he has anything short of affection for Castiel — but instead, because faith is a very delicate matter. And in any angel, it's important to have that faith be strong and lasting even in the most dire of circumstances, because it's all too easy to tip an angel from grace.

"Castiel, think about why you're asking me that question," Ishiah replies calmly. "Should that question make a difference in your faith? Should you need to have that tangible proof of Our Father's existence in order to believe in His will?"

"Not proof of His existence," he murmurs, eyes dropping in shame. "Proof that He cares enough to answer any of our prayers. Proof that He has not abandoned us."

It's beyond shameful, to have such doubts, he knows this. But after everything, after finding more love and faith in his human charge than in his own Father, it's difficult not to.

Ishiah stares at Castiel for a few seconds, shaking his head shortly after. There are a lot of responsibilities that fall under his belt, but even if he wants to restore Castiel's faith, he knows that this isn't the way to do it.

"What makes my word powerful enough to guarantee that? I'm not the one you should have faith in. Not of that sort. And that's all you would be doing; transferring the faith you should have in Him to my shoulders."

hard to live in the city

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